I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
