dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
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