We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
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