did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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