oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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