Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Where is the hickey?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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