dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
