also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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