her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Randomize
