My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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