She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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