This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
