So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
