wanna go halves on a baby?
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
