I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
