I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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