this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
