What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
