Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
