I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
How does one acquire holy water?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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