shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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