I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
