no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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