Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
