I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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