its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
