She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You've changed since you got that strap on
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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