Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
