Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
