Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
