it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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