sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
