Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
