Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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