you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
