At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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