found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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