that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
