i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
