dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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