im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
