I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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