I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
