So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I will die if light touches me.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
