Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
