a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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