so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
