she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize