I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
