you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
