Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You took a bar mat shot.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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