the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
