I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
