I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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