if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Randomize
