Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
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