so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
