yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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