just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
