took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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