i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
