I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
