i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
