I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
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