when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
