Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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